When I think about my general attitude, I realize that even in the worse situations, I somehow find a way to mentally settle-in for the long haul. I remember telling myself things like ‘this is my life now’, and ‘I’m here forever, so let’s get used to it’.
I think I do it because I like having a sense of permanence. I know change is inevitable, but I aim for longevity. ‘Change’ requires more brainpower, more planning, more energy. I think having a predictable routine frees-up my brain to think about other things. Even if the routine is plain.
My current routine reminds me of the show: The Office. I work in a similar plain building, with boring corporate regulations, and office cliques. The only thing I found un-relatable about the show is how sociable the group was. I can’t find the motivation to ‘hang out’ with anyone I work with, even the people I like. I’ve settled [submissively] into a boring desk life, and realizing that I’m doing it is an omen that things are about to change.
Some people thrive doing stimulating work, and get motivated thinking about doing something new and challenging every day. But if you’re married to your work, you’ll never care about your home. I once knew a workaholic bachelor whose house was 90% filth, because he was ‘too busy’ to do regular chores. Then again, you’ll occasionally find people who don’t care about either work or home. So, I’m not sure where they put their energy.
I like my current home. I like it so much that I’ve stated gardening. There’s something about having a garden that literally demonstrates how a person has settled in, laid down actual roots, and grown into a life. Yesterday I bought a bag of soil, so I could plant some avocado pits that I’ve been trying to sprout in a cup on a windowsill. This has been a 6 month project, and the sprout now has a dozen leaves. Gardening requires patience [and permanence] because most fruit trees don’t produce for several years. I desire consistency. But for every step that I take to feel more stability in my life, I get an opposing fear that I will have that much more to lose if things don’t work out. One more thing to uproot.