Illness changes a person

There’s something weird that happens to your sense of self when you’ve been sick for a long time. All the words I would choose to describe myself  seem to have changed. I know that this illness is not me, but it’s been with me for so long that it’s all I see when I look at myself. It’s not a temporary state of being any longer, it’s who I am; I am ill.

It takes all my energy, it takes my time, my health, my personality. I am not available to be myself, because I am ill. It changes my eating habits, my sleeping habits, my posture, the sound of my voice. I am no longer creative, or organized, or confident, because I am ill.  I am weak, and tired, and in constant pain.

Illness has a way of making you forget to be yourself. It hurts too much to do the things I would habitually do. I move slower than I used to, assessing each motion, conserving my energy. My new physical  limitations trick my brain into thinking that these boundaries are normal. The things I used to enjoy are unbearable now. I can’t go out, and I don’t have the capacity for any leisure activity.
Illness changes how I think of myself. The pain has a way of making me forget, distracting me from my own thoughts. It’s a struggle to cook and clean for myself. I can’t remember how it was before. I can’t remember the last time I experienced joy, and it’s difficult to predict  if I ever will again.
Illness prevents me from being optimistic about it. I am hardly a person, I am ill, and I’m just trying to get through the day.


Marginalizing the Average American

Desk jobs are great for angry-antisocial people. – Are you well suited for desk work?
I work in an office with a 1950s attitude. All the upper-management executives are American white males. There are some immigrants working here, but there are no Latins or Blacks working at this company. The main floor of this building has no windows, which is basically every department except for the sales office. It looks remarkably like the television show The Office, if it were operated in a dystopian-style by communist enthusiasts. This office doesn’t value their employees, literally denying its workers rank and significance for years on end.

With the current political climate, I’ve recently concluded that the American Millennials are in a type of Depression. Not as life-and-death as the Great Depression of the 1930s, but every bit as detrimental to the growth and progress of a generation. Things didn’t really improve after the 2008 economy flop, things just evolved into a different shape. More primitive, less compassionate, more hostile, less forward-thinking. Millennials have had slow progress in trying to achieve the same milestones as previous generations. Housing costs have skyrocketed, along with personal debts, but average incomes have decreased. The middle-class jobs of yesterday have become the lower-class jobs of today. Even educated people are having difficulty finding jobs which will adequately provide for a family. It’s depressing.

American government stopped caring about the common man. They stopped caring about the environment, and retirees, and quality education, and affordable health care.  Our social infrastructure has taken a turn. Marginalizing the average American, favoring corporations and the hyper wealthy. The office where I work is just 1 building, but the executives who own and operate it are the same sort of people who run this country. They make decisions that increase their productivity at the expense of their workers.  Creating an ever widening rift of cynicism between the working-class and the aristocrats who rule over them.

Driving Force

When I was a young-teen, I had the idea that I would grow up, get married, have a family, live in a house, and have a job. This idea was engrained, anticipated, and unavoidable. Everyone told me this was the way it had to be, so I was prepared to take all the necessary steps to make it happen. I compromised, gave in, and cooperated.
More than a decade later, and after a few failed attempts, it crossed my mind that I’ve sacrificed a lot for this vision of a conventional life.  I’ve been chasing a fantasy that’s not going to happen for me [or thousands of other Millennials], and I don’t want to be punished for not living up to these old-fashioned standards.

My brother got married last month. Ever since his girlfriend proposed to him last year, he has been slowly working himself into a more submissive/complacent attitude. I can’t decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing. He simply agreed with her when she decided how the 2 of them were going to live, where they were going to live, and how many children they were going to have.
She didn’t strike me as a ‘driving force’, but she seems to be doing a great job of steering their relationship along the conservative path.

Whereas, I’ve spent the last several months considering a possible future as an eccentric mountain hermit.  Now that I’m no longer committed to the idea of marriage and family, I’m free to exit the vehicle, and focus on solo endeavors.
Literally, the only thing that was keeping me conventionally-docile was the ‘inescapability’ of having to live the rest of my life in a predictable fashion.

One of my latest hobbies has been Tiny Houses. But in this state, I’d still have to buy a property to keep one [for the ‘permanent address’],  and because of the raising costs of healthcare, I’d still be forced to work 32-40 hours a week, even if I didn’t need the income.  So I’m practically back to square one; unable to break the cycle. It’s infuriating. The longer I think like this, the more agitated I get regarding  the state of things in this country, and how difficult they’ve made it to live in a different way from the conventional method.
America is hindering its own Progress. A whole generation of Americans have not made any social strides because of current socio-economic conditions, and they are straining to attain the basic luxuries of past generations. Millennials are a generation of constant stress, and anxiety based mental-disorders.
All of the Millennials have now joined the work force. But they will continue to live bachelors-lifestyles, because their college debts prevent them from saving enough money to conventionally settle down.

Struggle and Debt

I was browsing tiny home videos last night, and one of them was about a girl who built one as a school project. Her house was constructed with 90% recycled materials. Repurposed wood, thrifted windows, ect.  The house looked decent, and totaled about $17,000 USD. Something that she described was that even though she thrifted all the supplies, it still ended up costing substantial funding, and that’s ok, because  most people end up spending more than that on university, in the hopes of getting a lucrative job, with the aim of buying a house for 20x that price. People everywhere have to go bigger and bigger in a vicious cycle, spending more money  in order to make more, in order to buy more. It’s a high risk game. But if we all lived small, then we wouldn’t have to struggle for so long in order to get to a ‘comfortable life’.

The biggest obstacle to this ‘live small’ method  is that the government wants people to  live in the traditional manner [and be in debt] ; because poor people are easier to control.
I hate that we all have to live this way, and how the government functions like a mafia. Forcing individuals to live within a ridged set standard-rules. Claiming it’s an administration, when in fact it’s tyranny, where the people with power don’t have to obey the same laws that everyone else does.   [If I poison a whole towns water supply, I’m a criminal, but when the governor does it, it’s merely a ‘water crisis’ and he stays in office].
In other countries, it’s called corruption, but here it’s just politics. Bribery is how our politics work. Money can make anything happen.
For a lot of us, Tiny houses represent a way out. If I live in one, I’ll never have to get roped into a 30-year mortgage payment, and I’ll be able to save all the money I would have otherwise spent on a house. The word mortgage is derived from 2 French words: mort- death, and gage- pledge. Meaning the person will be paying off this debt until they die. And I think we would ALL really like to not be burdened by debt for the rest of our lives.